Happy Biteday
by September J. Song
Summary: Bella, Alice, Jacob, Emmett and Jasper attempt to prank Edward on his "biteday".


**Hello! I promise I'm working on all my other fanfics, but I'm having a particularly nasty case of writer's block. Here is a little oneshot that is one of my attempts at curing myself of that terrible illness.**

**Just one of those typical Emmett-and-Jasper-babysitting-Bella-and-they-go-on-a-magical-adventure-of-pranking stories. I guess.**

**I don't own Twilight, by the way. **

Bella's POV

"I don't need to be babysat. Let me go home," I growled, trying to get through the Cullen's front door. Emmett was blocking it.

"No dice, little sis. We're gonna have some fun with you tonight," Emmett smiled menacingly. I couldn't help but feel a little afraid.

"Like what?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly which only widened Emmett's grin.

"Let's just say we have a tradition in the Cullen family that we do on each member's 'vampire birthday.'"

"And this year," Jasper added from directly behind me, making me jump. "It involves a certain little human girl."

I gulped.

Jasper's POV

"So it's Edward's birthday?" Bella asked for the fifth time. "Should I have gotten a card or something?"

"No, Bella! This is Edward's _bite_day present," Emmett replied, his hand tight on the steering wheel of Bella's truck. "Can't this thing move any faster?"

"Sorry... If you wanted a nice car you should've taken one of your fifteen foreign sports cars," Bella grumbled. I laughed.

"She's got you there, Em," I chuckled.

"Whatever. The plan only works with this car," Emmett said.

"Why won't you tell me what the plan is?" Bella whined. "Wait... why are we going to the police station?"

"You'll see," Emmett said in a falsely "spooky" voice.

Emmett parked the truck and we climbed out of it. We led Bella to the station and I held the door for her, as was a gentlemanly thing to do.

"Thanks," she mumbled, wiping snow off her feet on the welcome mat.

"Bella... uh... boys," Chief Swan greeted from the break room table. "Uh, can I help you?"

"I don't know what's going on Dad," Bella said, holding her hands in front of her chest. "It's all them."

"Chief Swan, may we ask you a favor?" I asked politely.

"No! No freaking way! That's horrible!" Bella said when we got in the truck. "He'll see right through me anyways!"

"Bella, please?" I pleaded. "We haven't had this good a prank in decades!"

"They've all been lame like... hair dye in shampoo and stuff!" Emmett added. Bella looked horrified.

"And Edward's always read our mind before we can prank him! You're the only one who can do it!" I finished. Emmett and I hit her with our puppy dog eyes and I sent a strong wave of resignation to her.

"Fine," Bella snapped, folding her hands over her chest. "Fine! But... on one condition."

"What?" Emmett asked.

"You help _me _prank Alice," Bella said, grinning.

"Why do you want to prank Alice?" I asked.

"She's taking me shopping tomorrow night," Bella explained.

"I sympathize, sister," Emmett said.

"Fine, but I think we might need the help of someone Alice can't see..." I suggested. Bella's smile widened.

"Hey, Jacob?"

"Bella! What's up?"

"Well, its Edward's birthday today... and—"

"What you want me to send him a card?"

"Lose the sarcasm, Black. There's a Cullen family tradition where they prank people on their "biteday"... and I was wondering if you could help us?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"..."

"Jake?"

"I'm here."

"So whaddya say?"

"..."

"Jacob?"

"..."

"Hello?"

"Fine."

"Yay! Meet us at the boundary line!"

"You owe me Bella."

"I know... How about three extra years?"

"So I'm what, thirty-three and your—"

"Thirty-five. I still beat you because I'm a woman."

"Whatever, Bella. See ya."

"Bye, Jake!"

"Hi, Jake!" I greeted. "Long time no see!"

"Yeah, you should come down here more often!" he said pointedly, looking at Emmett with a look of pure loathing.

"Hey, talk to her boyfriend," Emmett shrugged. "I don't care who she visits, wolf, human or vampire."

"Thank you, Emmett!" I said throwing my hands up in the air. "If only everyone shared your openness!"

"As long as she showers after," he finished.

"So what's this, 'prank'?" Jacob asked, "Switching his cup of blood with kool-aid?"

"Used that one last year," Emmett said. Jacob and I looked at him in disbelief.

"Kidding! Sheesh."

"Well... you'll see," I smiled.

Edward's POV

My phone buzzed in my pocket, frightening the deer I was chasing. I snarled in frustration and pulled the accursed device out of my pocket. It was Bella.

"Hello love," I said. "Is something wrong?"

"Edward..." I could tell she had something important to say.

"Yes?"

"Well... Frankly, I'm tired of your overprotective crap. When you were gone I had a lot more fun with the werewolves and they're much..." she inhaled shakily. "Hotter... literally... then you vampires. So I'm..." she coughed. "Eloping with Jacob. I'll send you a postcard from ... uh... Jamaica. Sorry and uh... bye!" She hung up quickly.

Jasper POV

"Well, it worked!" Alice said after I hung up the phone. "He believes you and is driving home right now."

"I can't believe I did that!" Bella said. "Oh, I bet he hates me! Oh, _god!" _

"Calm down, Bella. It'll be fine!" Emmett guffawed. "Jamaica... eloping... ha!"

"How long until the bloodsucker gets here?" Jacob asked, standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Not long, so you two get ready," Alice said.

Jacob grinned and cracked his knuckles.

"Ready, Bella?"

"As I'll ever be... You guys will make sure it won't come to a fight?"

"Of course, Bella. We wouldn't want your puppy getting hurt," Alice said sweetly, causing Jake to growl.

"Get ready guys! He's coming."

Bella's POV

Alice put me in a wedding dress she had in her closet.

"Alice, why do you have this?" I blurted out, as she buttoned the back.

"I'm prepared for anything," she said simply. "Oh, and Bella? Pranking me tomorrow night won't work. Just so you know."

I sighed. "Of course not."

"Perfect!" she squealed. "Now go prank my brother!"

Jacob was wearing one of Emmett's suits, looking thoroughly disgusted.

"It smells," he complained. "You look nice though."

"Thanks," I snorted. He climbed onto his shiny motorcycle, and Jasper lifted me on the back. I wrapped my arms around Jake's waist and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Aww, look at the wittle wovebirds!" Emmett cooed. "Now get goin'!"

"You have the tape ready?" I asked.

"Yup. This will be hilarious!" Emmett chuckled.

Jacob started the motorcycle, and we sped off.

We passed Edward's Volvo after almost fifteen minutes of driving. I caught his face as he saw Jake and me. I wish I hadn't.

"Oh, dear god..." I moaned, hiding my face in Jake's shoulder. My words were lost in the wind.

Jacob and I finally stopped in a little café on the edge of town.

"_Twilight Café_, nice name," Jake noted, and led me out of the snow.

"Why hello, you two!" the chubby woman at the counter cooed. "Congratulations!"

"Wha... Oh... um... Thanks," I stammered.

"Can I help you?" she had southern accent.

"Yes, uh... one cappuccino and..." I looked at Jacob.

"A hot chocolate. And three muffins."

"Four muffins," I added, grinning.

"Yes ma'am. And the name?"

"Dracula," Jake said. I couldn't help it, I cracked up. The lady looked at me as if I was nuts. I probably was.

Jacob steered me to a squashy couch and I sat down.

"Hey... what's wrong?" I asked. Jacob had suddenly turned serious.

"I was just thinking..."

"About what?"

"What if this was real? You and me 'eloping,'" Jacob said, a longing tone in his voice. "I would say, Mr. and Mrs. Black for our name, and we'd stop at a nice hotel somewhere... and we'd put 'just married' on the motorcycle and—"

"Jacob," I said, all humor gone from the situation. "If things were different then I probably would but—"

"You love Cullen," he finished.

"Jacob... you're my best friend. I love you too," I said, and lay my head on his warm shoulder.

"This sucks," Jacob whispered.

"Haven't you ever heard? Life sucks and then you die," I said, smiling weakly.

"Not if you're a bloodsucker," Jacob noted.

"Edward, have you seen Bella? She came home saying she was sick, but she's not in the house. Oh, is this a note?"

There is a long pause, filled only by Charlie's breathing.

"Says here she's run off with Jacob Black. Wow, you must've been a pretty lousy boyfriend to have her leave you. Well... bye then..."

"Edward. If you're seeing this, it means I actually did it. I eloped with Jacob. I'm sorry to cause you pain, but quite frankly, you're getting on my nerves.

"I mean seriously, making your siblings babysit me? I'm not two, Edward, and frankly, they hate it.

"Emmett, how do you feel about Edward babysitting me?"

"Well, Bella. It's irritating. You never let me watch sports and you never ever do _anything _related to pranking or joking or—"

"Thank you, Emmett. Alice, do you think Edward is being overprotective?"

"Why, yes Bella! I think Edward should _let Bella do what she wants_."

"Thank you, Alice. You see now Edward? Take this particular time, for example. Jasper and Emmett dragged me off to Charlie's police station without telling me why. Finally they enlisted my father to help them _prank _you by saying I had run off with Jacob...

"Yes, Edward. This has, indeed been a prank. Happy _bite_day!"

Bella's POV

I washed off the last trace of the makeup Alice had slathered on me and pulled my wet hair into a ponytail. I didn't know if Edward was coming tonight, so I kept my window open, just in case. It was frigid in my room, though.

I still had a toothbrush in my mouth when I went to get a pair of slippers out of my closet.

"Gah!" I spluttered, spraying toothpaste everywhere. Edward stood motionless in my closet, his back turned to me.

"Omhgo!" I slurred. "Uh..." I ran to the bathroom and spit in the sink.

"Edward, what are you doing in there?" I hissed. He turned to me slowly, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Oh..." I bit my lip. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't want to! Emmett and Jasper forced me... I didn't really have a choi— What?"

He was shaking his head and laughing.

"Well, I really didn't think you had it in you, Bella," he chuckled, sitting down on the edge of my bed.

"What?"

"Pulling a prank," he said.

"Well... Emmett told me it was a family tradition to prank someone on their birthday, and—"

"Is that what he told you? Bella, we've never had that tradition."

"What?"

"Emmett tricked you, love."

"Well..." I said, my face flushing. "Uh, happy birthday?"

He laughed, and pulled me into an embrace.

"Thanks, but I think next year, a card will suffice."


End file.
